Flash Fiction Prompt: What Pegman Saw and my story – Swimming in the Rain

Today Pegman takes us to the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. Feel free to swim around the area using the Google street view and grab any picture you are inspired by.

To enjoy other flash fiction stories inspired by the What Pegman Saw prompt or to submit your own one hundred and fifty word story, click the inLinkz button:

Many thanks to K Rawson and J Hardy Carroll for hosting this challenge every week.

Revision B

Following Rochelle’s kind comment in answer to my viewpoint dissatisfaction in Revision A, I am taking the liberty of posting a revised version of my story (still one hundred and fifty words) which has even changed its name! Revision A follows for completeness.

___

Her Goodbyes by Kelvin M. Knight

He gave her the Saint Christopher his wife never thought to purchase him. ‘To keep you safe on your travels, gorgeous.’

She gave him one of the crosses her husband had given her. ‘To keep you strong while I’m gone.’

Watching herself in the hall mirror, she backed into him. He reached down as she reached up. Her caress upon his neck made his hands melt into her.

‘I want you to go and I don’t,’ he mumbled.

‘I know,’ she croaked. Teardrops illuminated the greyness of her eyes.

‘Don’t cry, my darling.’ He kissed the porcelain curve of her neck.

She nuzzled into him, gazed longingly up at him.

He saw himself, not her domineering husband, within the bluest water. She swam beside him. Fingers entwined, they experienced everything together. The splendour of the Great Barrier Reef was heart-stopping, and diving amongst those corals rendered their love complete.

150w

 

 

Revision A

I am not sure the viewpoint in my story is right. Sigh. I have tried different tenses and viewpoints but they seem worse somehow. So I am, tentatively, sticking with this distant third person viewpoint. Hope it doesn’t detract from the emotions water falling around this couple.

___

Swimming in the Rain by Kelvin M. Knight

‘Bon voyage.’

*

Rain hammered his bathroom window. Rain hammered his heart. Her face dripped into his bathroom mirror. Standing before him, she reached up as he reached down. Her caress upon his neck became his upon her cheek and tummy.

‘I want you to go and I don’t,’ he mumbled.

‘I know,’ she croaked.

Raindrops illuminated the greyness of her eyes. In them, he saw himself: not the holiday of a lifetime her husband was taking her on.

‘Don’t cry, my darling.’ Her smile wavered. ‘I’ll only be down under not down and out.’

‘But six weeks?’ he sobbed.

The rain intensified.

Every.

Day.

*

Every day he kissed the porcelain curve of her neck, until he found himself splashing within the bluest, calmest water. She swam beside him. Fingers entwined, they experienced everything together. The splendour of the Great Barrier Reef was heart-stopping, and corals rendered their love complete.

150w

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14 thoughts on “Flash Fiction Prompt: What Pegman Saw and my story – Swimming in the Rain

  1. Dear Kelvin,

    Now it’s as clear as the crystal water. I loved the exchange of the cross and St. Christopher. I’d say you seized the opportunity and did a stellar job. 😀

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    PS I hope your fishing trip was a success. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Kelvin,

    I’ll admit to being a tad confused as to whose point of view this is. Is he a lover envying her husband? At any rate, it’s beautifully written prose than made my pulse race

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    PS A bit of clarification here. I actually didn’t make this part of Friday Fictioneers. I’m merely a participant in Pegman. I like the luxury of 50 extra words. 😉 and not having to be the cat herder.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Okay no probs Rochelle I shall amend blog intro.

      Yes, you hit the nail in the head. He is her lover not necessarily jealous but struggling to deal with her long absence away. I wanted the prose to speak of togetherness despite them being apart. An acceptance from both sides that all would be okay in the end, but having to tell you this means I’ve failed. Thanks for reading, Rochelle x

      Like

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