Party Time

PHOTO PROMPT © Fatima Fakier Deria

Dear Friday Fictioneers (and anyone else reading this)

The following flash fiction story was written in response to Rochelle’s FridayFictioneers photo prompt by Fatima, posted this week (28/03/18 for Friday 30/03/18).

My humblest apologies for posting this today, two days late – I wasn’t sure I would be able to find the time but I am glad I have.

I hope you enjoy reading my little story as much as I have writing it this cold and wet and windy yet hopeful Bank Holiday Monday morning.

To read other FridayFictioneer stories based on the same photo prompt, or to join in with the fun, click the la’al Blue Frog below, remembering writing is reading, and commenting on what you think went well and not so well in others’ stories informs your storytelling as well as helping other writers – wheresoever they may be on their writerly journey.

Happy Easter everybody!

Kelvin

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PARTY TIME (Revision B)

by

Kelvin M. Knight

‘I need a party.’ Her jaw ached at these words.

His fuzzy head remained motionless.

‘You… disagree?’ Words were stones in her mouth.

He passed her a pen. Grimacing, she wrote crookedly: I want the finest bubbly, the sweetest strawberries, the most clotted cream.

Whistling her tune, he steered her outside. The fresh air made her gurgling song stop. The trees’ leaves weeped into something white. He held out her hand. Feeling the empty garden furniture, she observed whispers of her youth.

Such energy. Such gaiety.

Sobbing, she collapsed into his arms.

Now his head moved. ‘I love you, Mother.’

(100 words)


PARTY TIME (Revision A)

by

Kelvin M. Knight

‘I need a party.’ Her jaw ached at these words.

The fuzzy head of her manservant remained motionless.

‘You… disagree?’ Words were stones in her mouth.

He passed her a pen. Grimacing, she wrote crookedly: I want the finest bubbly, the sweetest strawberries, the most clotted cream, and all my friends from every corner of this great continent.

Whistling her tune, he steered her outside. Her singing was gurgling. Her smile was thinner than her limbs. Yet, child-like sparkles returned when she saw the empty garden furniture.

Observing whispers of her youth, she sobbed.

Now his fuzzy head moved.

(100 words)

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17 thoughts on “Party Time

  1. Dear Kelvin
    Funnily enough, as I read and mulled over version A (which I read first) I felt sure that the ‘manservant’ was actually a relative, and probably her son.
    “Words were stones in her mouth” – what a clever way of telling us about her difficulties with verbal communication, echoing as it does the story of Demosthenes’s therapy for his speech impediment.
    My vote would go for version A. My very personal opinion is that what revision B gains in clarity, it loses in poignancy. I hope this thought is helpful rather than just muddling!
    With best wishes
    Penny

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Penny, not muddled at all. I think Revision B has lost something in its poignancy, too. When things are spelled out for the read this is often the case. For my writing anyway. I prefer Revision A. I will leave both Revisions up for posterity. And for others to read/agree/disagree/learn from.

      Sincerest best wishes

      Kelvin

      Like

  2. Dear Kelvin,

    I’m looking forward to your answers to Neil’s questions. Nonetheless there was a tragic poignance to the story that leaves an ache in the heart. No need to apologize for tardiness. 😉 The link is still open so it’s all good.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Liked by 1 person

    1. you got the tragic poignance, Rochelle, which is more than I could hope for. I have taken the liberty of revising my story in light of Neil’s comment. I hope my Revision B, with a changed relationship dynamic does not lose any of my story’s original poignance.

      Shalom

      Kelvin

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I liked “the words were stones in her mouth”. I was a little confused by her sudden transition from sparkling eyes to sobbing, and why sobbing was the only emotion her carer would respond to

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comment, Neil. I have taken the liberty of revising my story (your comments were on Revision A). I guess you missed the manservant comment – and if you didn’t perhaps the link between manservant and her was too tenuous. He was more than her carer, he had been her servant for all her lift. This special link was not expressed in words (by me or her) so I have changed the relationship between her and him in Revision B. No spoilers here though. Hope it reads better this time around, Neil, if you can find the time.

      Like

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